Set Up Your Partner To Win Not Fail:
The masculine mode of the "provider, protector" is the ultimate accountability for our entire family team, even when the other partner is working or in school. The feminine mode is the supporter, enhancer aspect of the family team who is the emotional and overall; the one who picks up on and supports the emotions and needs and concerns which the provider, protector is experiencing. What she is doing is thought of as support. There are two differing ideas in this dueling "provider" union as to who is responsible for what tasks in the relationship. Now he feels that he is responsible and accountable for the life and upkeep of the family, and she feels that she is accountable and responsible for the life and upkeep of the home and the children.
Why not just ask him what support looks like to him. He might say that support might be; your massaging his shoulders from time to time to help him unwind or allowing him to unwind and reorient himself after returning home from work i.e. his leisurely changing his clothes into those ole ratty jeans and tea shirts, removing the coins and excess from his pockets, without anyone asking him for, or to do anything while he's doing this. And or allowing his to sit alone in his favorite place, for a bit, and just read, or view the news channel, etc. At that very moment he is a hunter who is transitioning, but until he has that personal space/time, he can't hear you. You get the idea ladies? The scenario may differ, however support is support.
If you just give him that half hour or so; he might come over to you and say; "hay sweetie, how was your day?" You might reply, "ok honey, thanks for asking, can we talk?" "I just realized something, and I got this idea that maybe there are some things that we might be bumping heads about." "It's nothing that you're doing wrong, I just want to know what you think about what I heard." "This might only take an hour or so." Now, his support in the process is only to listening, and remember ladies; this is only a conversation, not a put-down and you only want to discuss this with him, and later your looking for his verbal response.
Whatever topic you want to discuss, remember to be non-argumentative and open minded. We pick up on each others emotions and mannerisms. If he senses your upset, you can believe that he'll shut off immediately, and the conversation is over. He could feel that you're just trying to bate him into an argument, which is far from the truth. People, we need to learn to program ourselves in to learning how to leave old baggage, from childhood and old relationships, on the other side of the door when we're home, in an effort to get that lifelong relationship we want. As those little chat sessions between the two of you begin to work, you'll find that the both of you may end up having little gabfests like this, after work, more often. Soon the air is cleared of wondering; "what if's" and you can get back to that ole (when you were dating) frame of mind/feeling.
How will you know that you've gotten what you need from the relationship?
You need to tell him what you want out of your union, and what you are willing to provide to that union. So, if you want more affection from him, more intimacy and alone time with him; then here's the perfect time to say it. Don't be accusatory or whinny just use a monotone voice and say it. If it has to do with intimacy, you might ask him if there's anything you can do to help him get in the mood, etc. You should be able to give affection without feeling that you're over giving, and maybe that he's contributing very little. Now if you know that you want to have sex every two minutes, or more than twice a week, than girl, you need to choose a partner who wants the same type of sexual experiences that you do. If you know that you only want sex once a week or not every week, than by George, you'd better make sure that your partner feels the same way too. First, again, you need to know what you want, and then tell him what you want. If you don't verbalize it, how's he to know how to help the relationship along and to help secure your needs?
Always tell the truth to each other, no matter what. Respect is, key in all relationships. Respect is not criticizing your partner in public either. Don't correct him in public if he tells a whopper of a story to the group you're out with; even though he knows you know the true story. Allow him his story to his friends. You can both laugh about it on the way home. I believe you understand where I going with this, people! Now, for instance, if you both have just paid the bills, and the car payment is due; don't say that you want to go out to a lobster dinner knowing that the rest of the money is budgeted until the next pay day. If your income isn't an issue and it doesn't matter than have at it. But don't belittle his manhood by asking for things that aren't practical at the time, and that he's unable to provide for you just then. If you really don't want to cook that evening, just allow the both of you to come up with the solution together, and again don't give him a hard time about the outcome. These things will limit his creativity and the possibility of your getting your needs met.
Having Relationship Success:
Let him know what your need is, and how to provide it for you. Let him also know how much it means to you and then it's more of a pleasure for him to provide it for you. Spontaneity is excellent, however consider taking the time to figure out, together, something new and exciting to do. Come up with something amazingly unthought of together, now that's sexy. For instance, you are tired of doing the same ole thing all of the time. Let's say for instance, you both pick a day to get together and come up with 5 or 6 options to do on your date. Then roll the dice and do whatever you choose when the dice lands. Just stick to it. It's fun and there's no intellect involved and no brainstorming needed; be like Nike and just do it. You can go to a restaurant, picked 6 things off of the menu, 3 dishes you neither of you ever tried before, and 3 dishes you both are familiar with. After dinner you might have agreed to drive through the hills to a scenic area over looking the city.
The air is crisp and sweet, the night lights are perfect and serene. Next, you might choose to go back to the house and watched videos or sports, as you drink "Jell-O Shots" or something like that. Some folks don't drink, but again, the choice is yours, and no holds barred. Just stick to the agreement you make when you rolled the dice. Remember, your looking for something out of the norm that you both wouldn't have ever thought of, and I bet it will be very memorable and different which will make it exciting. Just roll the dice.
His goal is to be the provider, protector:
Now, let's go back to the "provider, protector" scenario to learn the way that you can use these tools together and understand what your mate is committed to doing, and what support looks like to them. I've always heard it said that men don't listen to conversations like women do. In a gabfest, we might talk over one another and at the same time, but we actually hear every word. We bond this way! In a man's way of listening there are values and opinions that's it. When in a discussion, some women think that men tell them what to do because they must think she's stupid. Now if a woman tells her man what to do, it's only because she think that he just can't get it right on their own.
If men offer us their opinion, it's because they feel that they're trying to provide some valuable information to us, although their opinions may seem like so much rambling to us. When we tell them how to do something, they think that we are telling them that they are stupid and again, emasculating them, but that's not our intention at all when we offer advice. Actually men don't care if we don't agree with them. They are only interested in getting respect from us in the process of a discussion. His opinions are based on what he knows of himself and the facts he's been able to establish from a credible source. He doesn't like to be made wrong because that's disrespecting who he is, and the research and time as well as energy that he put into creating his opinion.
Most women don't dare disagree with her man when he's seriously explaining something to her. We are afraid that if we disagree with him, there will be this distance between us, and that means that if something came up; he wouldn't be there for us because we disagreed with himm. So instead of making him wrong, so-to-speak, just say, straight out, that you disagree with what he said; and not imply that what he said was stupid or incorrect.
Allow Me To Interject This Thought:
A man always has his own plan, even if it's not to have a plan, and you cannot talk them into or out of anything; really. They may allow you to think you changed there mind, but in all actuality, you didn't. And no, you cannot talk him into marrying you. There clock ticks differently than ours. Men only, mostly, need to know two things; where they're going and who they're going with. Women value men who are decisive, who make solid strong decisions even if they're stupid ones. Now, of course, we may try to get them to change their decision later, because we don't like that decision. If he says; "I'm not ready yet" he means exactly what he's saying. Most men take commitment very seriously and if he's not in a place where he can make that solid and well thoughout commitment, he won't do it. He feels that it is dishonest, dishonorable and wrong for him to say that he will commitment when the timing isn't right.
He feels that he can't do right by her or that union for whatever reason and that just might make him run if you persist. Men feel if they have the right resources, the right plan and the right team, they can accomplish anything. He will loose face with his friends and himself, because they will know that he's not ready and he committed to something that's time isn't right or maybe even not with the right person and he allowed himself to be dishonorable. Do you really want to get him that way?
If he gets to the point that he really wants to be with you, really badly, in spite of how his boys rag on him, then he won't want to do anything to mess that up and he will tell them that he's made a decision, and he's going after you. Whether they like it or not! He believes that if he can't provide a good life for you, and fulfill your needs; then he has no business being with you and he knows that. We can't fix that mechanism in their head that's telling them; "committing right now is just wrong" even if we constantly say to him "we can make it, everything will work out alright." No, any red blooded man, worth his salt won't bite that apple.
When He Feels Pushed, and Hurried:
Again, the time is just wrong for you to get together, and he knows that. And what's more, do you know that men are really listening to us when we speak to them? Whether you know it or not, they are. This is what most men share with me, as I research some articles. Who knew! Even if they don't respond to what we're saying at the time, they're listening. Men don't change, they just grow. And if they are honest with themselves; they won't ever allow themselves to be talked into anything just to make someone else happy, because they know that it will all, very quickly, turn sour.
Men are the very partner in the relationship who will spend massive amounts of money on their education, and then make a complete about face in the way they want to work in their chosen profession. Maybe after working for a big corporation for decades, and much money, they might end up wanting to work for a non-profit organization after going through their midlife crisis or something emotional. Now the wife doesn't understand what he's thinking, but that's what he probably wanted to do from the beginning, but that wasn't what was expected of him right after college and by society and his family. Appreciation is like putting fuel in a man's tank. It's like filling him up with high octane gas. If he gets to be your hero when you respect what he does and his convictions. He feels like he's your knight in shinning armor, and you appreciate that, and it's an honest appreciation. He'll trust and follow you forever. If there's no trust, there's no relationship.
Values And Opinions:
Now let's figure out what's important to both people in their union? Again, I remember hearing that there is a process called; "Waiting For The Well." When you ask a guy a question and he thinks that the questions is serious enough to answer, and he is seriously considering his answer based on what he knows about himself and the facts that he's been able to establish. It is suggested that you will, as a woman, have to put an imaginary duct tape over your mouth, and you have to be prepared to wait for at least thirty seconds (which by the way seems like forever), and then he'll give you his answer.
If it's a serious question like: "what does respect look like to you?" You need to just let him pour forth and find his own answer without your interrupting him, and you will find that he comes up with the most amazingly profound, non shallow response to your question that you would have ever thought you could hear from his lips. You will find out his true opinions, what he believes, what's important to him and he'll probably share mostly all of his feelings like; "this is what I know, and this is what's important to me" etc. It's said that; to them being trusted and being respected is what they've actually always wanted mostly in life.
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